Introduction to leg 1:
If you’ve seen the television programme called The Grand Tour, then you’ll be familiar with the antics of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May.
In episode 7 from series 3 they came up with their alternative route to the very popular Scottish road trip called the North Coast 500, this was soon shortened to NC500.
In their inevitable style Clarkson, Hammond and May decided to call their route: Piloting Extremely Nicely In Scotland 287 and similar to the North Coast 500 they shortened it to P.E.N.I.S 287. Like all of the road trips from Top Gear and The Grand Tour, this one is epic. There is a link to a video of this episode in the Links section below.
Welcome to the Grand Tour PENIS 287—a motorcycling adventure like no other, winding through the rugged heart of the Scottish Highlands! This route isn't just about the ride; it's a full-blown sensory experience that takes you through some of the most breathtaking landscapes in the UK. Although this is the complete route in one, I suggest stopping overnight in Ullapool to give you plenty of time to fully soak up the scenery.

The Ride:
Starting in Inverness, the capital of the Highlands, you’ll feel the pulse of a city that balances the old and new with ease. From the iconic Inverness Castle perched on the hill to the peaceful Ness Islands, there’s a lot to admire before you even rev your engine. But once you do, the open road is calling, and it’s time to answer!
Your journey kicks off from a fuel station to the north west of Inverness as you head toward Beauly. This charming village has a tranquil vibe and is where you’ll find the Beauly Priory ruins. The Priory, with its ancient, ivy-clad stone walls is one of three priories founded in Scotland in about 1230 for monks of the Valliscaulian order. The Valliscaulians came from Val-des-Choux (‘Valley of the Cabbages’) near Dijon in France, and adhered to strict ideals of poverty, chastity and obedience. Beauly's name is thought to come from the words of Mary Queen of Scots when she visited in 1564 and commented 'C'est un beau lieu' (what a beautiful place).
As you continue, the route takes you over the striking Cromarty Firth. Pause for a moment to appreciate the panoramic views of the Firth, where you might catch a glimpse of seals basking on the shore or seabirds soaring overhead. This area is steeped in natural beauty, and it's easy to lose yourself in the scenery.
Next up, whisky lovers rejoice—because the route brings you close to two of Scotland's finest distilleries. First, there's Balblair Distillery, one of the oldest working distilleries in Scotland, known for its smooth, fruity single malts. Whether you're a whisky connoisseur or just curious, a quick detour here is well worth it. A bit further on, you'll find Glenmorangie Distillery, famous for its tall stills and velvety whisky. This is a perfect opportunity to take a break, learn about the art of whisky-making, and maybe even take a bottle or two for the road—just remember to save the tasting for later!
From here, you’ll cross the Dornoch Firth, another stunning body of water with its own unique charm, leading you deeper into the Highlands.
The route then guides you onto the A838, where you’ll pass through Lairg. This small town is your gateway to the wild, remote beauty of Sutherland. The road here is a rider’s dream—smooth, winding, and flanked by some of the most untouched landscapes in the Highlands. You’ll soon find yourself riding alongside the magnificent Loch Shin, a long, narrow stretch of water that’s as serene as it is scenic. The loch’s calm surface mirrors the sky, making for some mesmerizing views as you ride by.
From Loch Shin, the road bends and weaves its way to Scourie, a peaceful coastal village known for its stunning beaches and vibrant birdlife. Scourie has a fuel station and a café/restaurant so it makes an ideal place to refill both the bike and yourself. The fresh sea breeze here is a welcome companion as you prepare for the next leg of your journey.
A short ride later, you’ll reach the famous Kylesku Bridge, an architectural marvel that spans the mouth of Loch a' Chàirn Bhàin. Stop here for a coffee and a chance to absorb the awe-inspiring views. The bridge itself is a beauty, but it’s the surrounding landscape that will take your breath away—craggy mountains plunging into deep, shimmering waters.
With your spirit recharged, continue along the A894, and soon enough, you’ll spot Ardvreck Castle. Perched on the edge of Loch Assynt, these haunting ruins tell tales of battles, betrayal, and the turbulent history of the MacLeods and MacKenzies. It’s a must-stop for a quick exploration, and the perfect spot for some dramatic photos with the castle’s silhouette against the brooding Highland sky.
Finally, the road leads you into Ullapool, a picturesque fishing town nestled on the shores of Loch Broom. The approach to Ullapool is simply stunning, with the village appearing like a hidden gem against the backdrop of mountains and sea. Ullapool is the perfect place to wrap up your journey, with its vibrant arts scene, welcoming pubs, and fresh seafood that will make you glad you made the trip. There are lots of options available for accommodation.

Conclusion of leg 1:
The Grand Tour PENIS 287 isn’t just a tongue in cheek motorcycling route - it’s an epic journey through the Highlands, filled with awe-inspiring landscapes, rich history, and some of Scotland’s finest whisky. Whether you're in it for the ride, the sights, or the stories waiting to be discovered around every bend, this route promises an unforgettable adventure. So gear up, hit the road, and let the Highlands work their magic on you.

Continuing the Grand Tour PENIS 287: Ullapool to Inverness
Introduction to leg 2:
As you leave behind the charming village of Ullapool, the adventure is far from over. The return leg of the Grand Tour PENIS 287 from Ullapool back to Inverness promises just as much thrill and beauty as the first half of your journey. This route will take you through deep gorges, along shimmering lochs, and through ancient landscapes that have witnessed centuries of history. With each twist and turn, you'll discover new sights, from dramatic waterfalls to serene bays, with plenty of chances to stretch your legs and soak in the Highland hospitality.

The Ride:
Leaving Ullapool, you’ll head south on the A835, and it’s not long before you reach the spectacular Corrieshalloch Gorge. This mile-long chasm, carved by the River Droma, plunges almost 200 feet into the earth, creating a dramatic sight that’s not to be missed. Take a short walk to the suspension bridge that crosses the gorge, offering breathtaking views of the Falls of Measach. The power of the water as it crashes down into the gorge is a reminder of nature’s raw strength—definitely worth a stop to admire the scenery and take some photos.
Back on the road, continue your journey along the A832, where the rugged Highlands give way to the sparkling coastline of Gruinard Bay. This stunning bay is known for its beautiful sandy beaches and turquoise waters, a sharp contrast to the dark, brooding hills that surround it. Take a moment to appreciate the view here—on a clear day, the sight of the bay is truly magical, with the Summer Isles visible in the distance.
Next, the route brings you to the small village of Poolewe. Nestled by the shores of Loch Ewe, Poolewe has a rich history that stretches back to the Viking Age. The village is best known for the Inverewe Garden, a lush oasis filled with exotic plants from around the world, thanks to the area’s mild climate. It’s a peaceful spot, and if you have time, a quick visit to the gardens can be a lovely detour.
Continue on, and soon you’ll find yourself approaching Gairloch, a scenic village that offers stunning views over Loch Gairloch. This is the perfect place for a mid-morning coffee stop, and there are plenty of cozy cafes where you can relax and take in the view. The local harbor is also worth a visit, where you might catch sight of boats returning with the day’s fresh catch.
After recharging in Gairloch, the road continues toward Loch Maree, often considered one of the most beautiful lochs in Scotland. As you ride alongside the loch, you’ll be surrounded by ancient Caledonian pine forests, with the imposing Slioch mountain towering in the background. This stretch of the journey is pure Highlands magic—a tranquil, soul-soothing experience. Make sure to stop at the Midge Bite Cafe for lunch. This quirky little spot is famous among riders for its hearty meals and welcoming atmosphere.
As you continue your journey, the next highlight is Rogie Falls, located just outside of Contin. These falls, cascading over dark rocks into the Black Water River, are particularly impressive after a rainfall. The short walk to the viewing platform is well worth it—on a good day, you might even spot salmon leaping upstream during the spawning season. The surrounding forest is also a peaceful place to stretch your legs and enjoy the fresh Highland air.
With the end of the journey in sight, the road leads you across the Kessock Bridge, a striking cable-stayed bridge that spans the Beauly Firth and offers stunning views back towards the Highlands. The bridge is a symbol of your return to Inverness, marking the final leg of your journey.
As you roll into Inverness, the city welcomes you back with its mix of modern vibrancy and historical charm. The journey ends at the iconic Inverness Castle, perched above the River Ness. The castle has been a fixture of the city for centuries, with a history steeped in battles and legends. Today, it offers panoramic views over the city and the surrounding landscape—a fitting end to your epic journey.

Conclusion of leg 2:
The return leg of the Grand Tour PENIS 287 from Ullapool to Inverness is a ride that encapsulates everything that makes the Highlands a motorcyclist’s paradise. From the deep gorges and ancient castles to serene lochs and vibrant villages, this route is packed with memorable moments and stunning scenery. By the time you finish at Inverness Castle, you'll have not only completed a thrilling ride but also experienced a journey through some of the most beautiful and historically rich landscapes in Scotland. Whether you're savouring the views at Corrieshalloch Gorge or enjoying a well-earned coffee in Gairloch, every stop along the way adds a new layer to this unforgettable adventure.

Enjoy